Let’s Have Another Baby…

So here’s the thing. 

When you’re in your thirties, like me, and you have a child who is over the age of 2 years, you will absolutely be asked by complete strangers (in the mall, at the park, in the bathroom at a movie theatre) when you are going to have another baby. This is a fact. Feel free to calibrate your Rolex to that true north.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I am frigging awkward in person. Like, needs to have a game plan about conversation topics a minimum of 24 hours in advance of a child’s birthday party. I’m so awkward that I’ll answer ‘Yes’ to every question I’m asked, and before you know it, I’ve got myself a job recruiting Steve Harper to be the next contestant on the Price is Right. “$1!” “Ohhh, I’m sorry Steve, the closest bid was ‘The People’.”

So, awkward me being my awkward self usually answers sheepishly like Goofy has taken over: “Garsh! I really don’t know! Hayuck!” and scuttle away to pee in heavenly privacy.

Being that I truly do not know the answer to the question, the hubs and I decided to quit our jobs, and open a business in the arts. A film studio in our home town. 

There are a lot of parallels to starting a business and having a human baby…especially if you decide to do this while also raising a toddler. I figured I would share a few:

1. The labour involved is painful and intense. You will need your village to get you through it…because the hard parts are really really hard. You know it will be over soon, and the baby will be beautiful, but you will need that village to talk you out of giving up every minute that labour goes over time. Keep going. 

2. There will be unexpected expenses. Chew bubble gum, solve some algebra, you’ll never see them coming, so quit worrying and solve the problem as it presents itself. Employ experts to help you, it’s worth it.

3. You will have to answer calls at all hours of the day and night. You are responsible, completely, for growing that child. 

4. You will have epic philosophical battles with your partner on how best to raise your baby. Major and minor decisions seem to mean the end and beginning of your new world all at the same time.

5. You will need to move, at least once, to provide a better environment for your growing family. Whether the space for business isn’t large enough, or you downsize your personal living space to give this new life a chance, this inevitably means moving. Get comfy with quick change.

6. You will make decisions that will fail. You will learn from those failures, and you will grow. So will your baby. Human error is what makes this process so awful and perfect. 

7. You feel in control (because you scarily are) while being totally out of control (because the learning curve is fucking steep). Ear muffs. Learn to slow down and look around. This usually happens after you’ve been through a few #6’s, as above.

8. There are major growing pains. You have a new responsibility, a new purpose, and a new love. Balancing the newness with your previous life takes practice. The stress sweating will stop. Buy stronger deodorant in the meantime.

9. You will cry a lot. To your Mom. For no reason at all. Just because.

10. The small wins will feel like you won the Stanley Cup. Celebrate each victory, even if it’s something as small as putting your underwear on the right way ’round. #winning.

So, I suppose the answer to those strangers would be a confident ‘Yes’, our baby is 3 months old, and we named her Finerty Studios. And she’s beautiful.

Proud parent of two,

Fumbling Mom

I Wish Teeth were Good People…

I’ve made the decision that humans should be born with a full set of teeth.

Grown in, ready for a good stomp chompin’ time.

Setting aside the fact an irritable screaming banshee refusing to sleep, eat or play nicely inhabits our home when it’s teething time — and that’s only my behaviour…here are the reasons a mother needs her child’s pearly whites to be fully functional before that cord is cut:

1. They are already just lazily hanging out behind the gum line waiting to poke out and bust through. Like pitch forks. From hell. Nobody likes pitch forks. ESPECIALLY lazy ones.

2. Everything that could ever go wrong in the universe occurs because of a teething child:

– “Oh! Your kid has a fever?”

Teething.

– “Your child has diaper rash?”

Teething.

– “Your little munchkin of love won’t eat?”

Teething.

– “Your little Prince of Darkness is vomiting?”

Teething.

– “You were over-charged for diapers at Walmart?”

Teething.

– “Your baby Daddy wants to see other people?”

Teething.

-“There’s a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico?”

You get the gist.

3. The molars and eye teeth (Um, by FAR the most painful ones) grow in AFTER you are back to work full time:

I never understood the purpose of concealer until I realized just how dark those circles could get. Like, REAL dark. Like, undead dark. Which is fitting because I feel like a zombie with an office job.

4. Who needs nipples? It’s not like anyone sees them anyway!

5. Because gosh darn it, meal times are so much more pleasant when your small person can chew things into itty bitty pieces preventing the gagging/choking fiasco that happens 4 to 5 times a day. I have several Oscars for “Appearing calm, cool and collected while everyone else is panicking that your child is dying”.

6. It’s a nice thing when the pharmacist doesn’t know you by first name because you no longer have to stock up on Children’s Tylenol once a week.

It really is nice when you’re picking up that embarrassing prescription for you. You know, to still be anonymous.

7. The stress sweats would occur less often, and be relegated to leading meetings for the CEO instead of pretending you are unaffected by the screams originating from those tooth bastards.

8. Faces and bedsheets would be cleaner from lack of barf hanging out on them. There would also be fewer parties in the bathtub at 2am on a school day.

9. Life would be more like a box of chocolates instead of the guessing game: chocolate on the carpet, or poop? Fun for the whole family during teething season!

and

10. Because I prefer to snuggle while not being chewed on. Call me crazy, but my legs without holes in them seem classier in shorts and skirts. Albeit only marginally.

Now, I’ve only listed 10 items here because I’m at a loss for additional reasons.

My brain is obviously teething.

Yours truly,

Fumbling Mom

Have You Seen My Stapler?

12 months. 365 days. 8,760 hours.

An entire year of mat leave. Complete.

I am sitting here, on a couch, at home, drinking cold coffee (because I got trapped in the bowels of my Facebook newsfeed on some other friend’s friend’s girlfriend’s sister’s husband’s post that required both hands for some reason) alone while our little dude is transitioning into his daycare routine before I head back to the corporate world next week.

Today, I’m wearing sweatpants, have bare feet, and decided to forego a bra. I care not what the public deems appropriate for a trek to visit the people of Walmart. My people.

Next week, I’ll need to make important decisions in a business environment that could affect other people’s lives while wearing heels – which automatically warrants a bra – cuz I don’t make the rules. Fortunately?

Life this past year has been quite a ride.

We welcomed the newest member of our family, figured out the whole baby-care thing, hubby started a new job, and my baby boy lost his grandpa way too soon. Still working on finding time for the grieving process on that last one.

Needless to say, it’s been quite a year. I’m very much looking forward to getting the band back together at work, and my little big guy starting daycare, playing all day with his friends. He loves it, and that makes this whole transition back into the working world so much easier. Phew!

I’ve decided over this past year that change is overall a good thing even when crummy things happen.

Change allows for a fresh perspective on the variety of the every day, and prevents sweatiness over the small stuff while learning to have the small stuff remain small.

Change also gives you the opportunity to feel good about what you have…and I suppose this rings truer when the change is a little misaligned with what you want.

Change also provides new and exciting shopping adventures as someone like me ponders things like, “What the hell is a Muddy Buddy?” and “Would Spanx make this skirt fit better?” and “How do you make an apple turn into a pear?”

Answer to that last one: be me, grow a person, then try to fit back into your old jeans.

It’s okay, I like pears.

In all seriousness though, I’m enjoying change. It keeps me occupied on the days of never-ending Barney and Lamb Chops theme song sing alongs – note to self: Expand this repertoire.

I hear my office desk has been moved.
Hopefully not to the boiler room.

Hooray for change!

Have you seen my stapler?

Sincerely yours,

Fumbling Mom