Your ID…Ma’am?

I’ve read somewhere, everywhere, that when you become a parent, your whole identity changes. The transition from not having your DNA breathing, running around, barfing on you and getting into everything, to it doing just that everyday is a bit…bumpy. The person you once were exists too, but as a sort of, quieter inner voice. A hush, almost…

“Did you see that episode of Friends where Joey eats everything in the fridge because it’s broken? That’s you! You’re the fridge! How are your nipples feeling today?”

“Gosh, remember when you showered every day and everyone remarked on how great you smell all the time? Did you buy deodorant yesterday?”

“Let’s go dancing! Ooooooh remember dancing?! It felt good right? All the people, free flowing drinks, great beats? No, not beets, Mom. Beats! Tunes lady! Yeah, let’s do that again! You should buy beets though…”

Sometimes my inner voice says things that result in situations that were once very familiar, but now foreign being the guardian of two small humans:

I went out to a club. Like, out, out. I haven’t been out out in almost a decade.

But not just one stop, no no, that would be half-assing it! A youthful restaurant with a DJ, a bar with live music to follow, then a dance club to cap off the night, all wrapping up nicely at the crack of 3am after visiting the 99 cent (now $1.49) pizza place. Snapchat captured it all in a brief 24 hour story that has disappeared into the bowels of the internet somewhere. Like whiteout for social media. Sigh. Best invention ever.

I’m going to be honest here. I didn’t think I was going to have fun. I have an infant at home with hubby, a high energy 4 year old, and I’m an introvert; so picture a completely exhausted dirty dishpan, and that’s me, except with messier hair, on my good days. AND I was “Ma’am-ed” at the beginning of the night! Ma’am-ed!! Lord give me strength.

BUT

I was in GREAT company. Two of my favourite ladies were out with me, and it was one of their birthdays. The drinks were flowing, the nostalgia was strong as the live band was the same from my early 20s and they were playing 90s jams. We got great seats at the bar for some pretty epic people watching. The conversations were deep and inspiring. My vocabulary and expressiveness increases 100 fold after a few spiked ice teas, and I can spittle at strangers with confidence. Yes, yes, this was a good time. Even when I tried to explain to the bouncer at the club that he really should see my ID as he explained it was 100% not necessary (and I was belligerent, arguing for 90%) it was a great time.

The people were a total mess. Like, the kind of mess where you’re wiping vomit off your shoe that isn’t yours (or your DNA’s), you find yourself sympathizing with the bar tender who tells you tales of the office party that was in there at 4pm that day getting annihilated and limiting career opportunities…

and as I looked on at a girl and a boy who had just met that night, making out on the bar, tongues a-flailing, in front of a packed house, I thought to myself…

I’m definitely a Ma’am alright. Definitely.

That bouncer deserves a raise, he One Hundo P did not need to see my ID. Because you know what, inner voice? Even though you get me into trouble sometimes, you’re right. I DO like dancing, and I’m only sometimes a broken fridge, and dammit I CAN smell good sometimes if I want to! And although parenting the day after this late night adventure was like conducting a marching band of monkeys on ice, it was nice to do something different with my favourite people. Self care is a big deal when you’re responsible for small ones who look to you for balance and love, and laughter, and light. Loving you makes loving them all that much more rewarding. Take it from this tired pigeon. Do you think I should just shred my ID?

Best,

Your Fumbling Ma’am

A Letter to You, My Youngest Kiddo…

Dear Youngest Kiddo,

You’re asleep now in your crib, hands cast above your head, fists relaxed, currently dreaming of your few short months on this earth…and perhaps the ether that came before.

I write to you, as I did your brother, in the first few months of life to also let you know what I see, where you come from, and hopefully inspire you at a later time when I am gone, and you need me.

You are the youngest in our little family of 4, and you will find it is inevitable that you will, at some point in your life, be compared to your older brother.

Even now I am guilty of posting adorable photos of you and him, side-by-side, as your birthdays are so close together, just 4 years apart. I cannot help myself as I clutch these memories of you both in those photographs with the fierceness of a mother’s love for her boys. Hoping to hold on to time, freeze it ever so briefly.

Even so, you are your own man. You are already, at such a young age, strong and independent, wanting warmth and love, and slightly surprised by the ferociousness of your older brother’s love for you. “Please be careful! Don’t smother your brother!” your Dad and I say on an hourly basis. We laugh, and exclaim that your brother will follow you to the ends of the earth to hug you as hard as he can. We hope you will let him.

This is a beautiful gift, to be the youngest, as your Mommy is the youngest sibling too.

It is important to understand that as the youngest, you have responsibilities to be not only adored (undeniably!) but to show the beauty of being unexpectedly strong while also being vulnerable. Even now I see you absorbing the essence of light and laughter around you, eyeing everyone, reading their thoughts, then responding, as you do. Intuitive you are, my little one.

Your qualities already precede you.

You are tall, with kind, grey eyes. Although ample height is not known to be common in our genetics, I hope you understand that you should always feel tall, even if you are not necessarily that in stature. Be tall in kindness, generosity, compassion, and empathy. With these qualities, others will see you from a mile away, and follow your lead. This world will thank you.

You find patterns to be marvellous wonders, and are astonished by their existence. You see these before anyone else notices they are there, and I hope you hold on to this curiosity and astuteness. Life is made of patterns, and the sooner you see them, the more you can share them with others, perhaps helping them find their way in a confusing labyrinth.

Your voice is powerful, and you are not afraid to share your opinion, my sweet child. Currently, you use this to let me know when you are hungry or annoyed, but it should be acknowledged that you have a strength that many others do not. I hope you will use your voice to stand up for what is right, and talk openly about when things feel wrong. Communication is vital to relationships, and you are so gifted in this, just like your father, and his father before him.

You have an affinity for snuggling like no other. Touch is your most favourite of the senses, and you should always feel love in this –never suffering, or pain. If you find yourself in the latter, I hope you have the strength to leave. Know that love is where you belong.

Although still little, I see you are wise. Your eyes give you away, revealing an old soul, and it is clear to me that you have seen the stars up close. Your experiences will make up a large part of who you are and who you will become. We have all had those days we wish we could forget, but I hope you know that mistakes are human, and learning from them is what makes you better than you were a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year ago. Mistakes are opportunities. Seize them my love.

As I lay here, post partum belly still squishy and soft with the memory of your growth, I listen to you breathe in the baby monitor, thinking of you, and the future life that lay ahead. I am already in awe of your spirit. Your transition from wherever you were onto this plane was flawless, and you have owned every second of your new life. Rock on, my small one. You have a huge village that loves you so.

Love your biggest fan,

Your Fumbling Mom

The Pink Nightmare

Do you have dreams, like I do, where you are not familiar with the environment, are not entirely certain who you are, but you know that you are not who you are in your waking life?

See, I was born in the 80’s, and that meant I was a youngster in the early 90’s, where mushroom cuts were all the rage. I preferred having short hair for a good majority of my childhood simply because I liked the way the clippers felt when they shaved the back of my head to get that perfect mushroom bowl. This preference, my preference, led others to conclude that I was male because my hair was short, and my face is handsome rather than fine featured.

Preference. That’s a funny word.

So, my mom had my ears pierced when I was 5 years old to help convince other folks that I was female; and like I said, it was the early 90’s, and men (even a handful of boys) also had their ears pierced, so this tactic was about as successful as Pepsi Clear.

“You are such a cute little boy!” said the neighbour lady who lived next door to me since FOREVER at the time.

My sister and friends were always slightly more offended than I was by ‘you must have a penis’ commentary, and were quick to jump to my defence by shouting from the bottom of the neighbour lady’s driveway that I was indeed, a girl.

Preference. Hm.

I remember being invited to a ballet-themed birthday party when I was 5, and borrowed pink tights, a tutu from god knows who, and pink ballet flats that were just this side of too small. Cutting my too long little kid toe nails didn’t help the cause.

I went to that party with my baby fat shoved into a pink sausage case onesie, my mushroom hair freshly cut, and infected pierced ears, thinking, “What in the hell?” as I stared into the mirror seeing a true pink nightmare. Ralphie who?

I remember that moment because it was the first time I wished I were a boy rather than simply looking like one.

Enter the confusing time in every child’s life where we become aware of stereotypes that are thrust upon us (mainly for the purpose of commercialism and product marketing) but also for the purpose of determining a deeper sense of identity and personal belonging in a community. The community of gender.

I am female, and identify as female, but I participate in the world in a way that our current culture still stutters in believing to be male. For example:

• I am the working parent
• I will choose to wear blue over pink
• I prefer to play sports roughly (Foul is my middle name in basketball, and I tend to make it a contact sport)
• I am trained in Kung Fu
• I prefer to lead (in the boardroom, and in the ballroom)
• I think farts are hilarious, and my sense of humour is almost always circling the toilet

I could go on…

For me, being a parent of two boys in this era is a conscious effort. It is important that my sons are supportive and understanding of gender fluidity, and that no, Donald, makeup is not only for girls, and yes pink does make a great hockey helmet for my boy, and if you refer to my child as a ‘bundle of sticks’ one more time I will Kung Fu punch-you-in-the-throat.

My four year old is constantly asking me whether a toy or product is meant for boys or for girls, and I consciously explain it is always both. I have yet to see a child’s toy that is operated using genitals, and if I do find one, you can be certain that a strongly worded letter to the manufacturer will follow shortly thereafter…then a bon fire…then that mind eraser thingy-ma-bob from MIB.

Son, you want to wear makeup to the mall?

Absolutely.

You want to have a Barbie for Christmas?

Santa says yes.

You want to wear a dress to your buddy’s birthday?

You betcha kiddo.

Look, I’m not on a crusade here. I’m just fiddle-farting my way through Mommyhood just like everyone else- throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks. All that I’m trying to accomplish is to instil empathy and compassion in my children, who just happen to be born male, but can be whoever the heck they wanna be, and should encourage others to be just as courageous and understanding.

So, do you have dreams, like I do, where you are not familiar with the environment, are not entirely certain who you are, but you know that you are not who you are in your waking life? Well, in these dreams, I am always a dude. It’s nuts!

Sincerely yours,

Fumbling Mom

Pluto and me…Planets…Again?

Once upon a time, in a planned home birth that ended in an emergency c-section in September 2013, my first son was born. A reminder of what that was like can be read in This New Life – it was a doozy of an experience.

My son is perfectly unfolding as a human, and has always unfolded in that way…Even when he holds up a mirror and condescendingly points out that I need to say ‘please’ when I ask him to hand me something that I can’t reach. 

I can’t reach many things at the moment, especially from the floor, because I have my own orbit in my 8th month of pregnancy with my second son. 

They say that the second pregnancy, and every pregnancy, is different. This one feels very familiar because my first son and second son have the exact same due date, just 4 years apart. I will say, this pregnancy has felt shorter somehow, and bigger…way bigger. I grow Viking children. Giant heads. It’s astonishing and terrifying as a 5’4″ female. Whose ancient genes are these?! Thank god for modern science.

The other major difference, is that my husband and I have now been vegans for a month, and do not have any intention of returning to the omnivorous way of life. The benefits in such a short time for both of us has been remarkable, and with today’s options for vegan products, much easier than we had anticipated.

I know what you’re thinking. The lady who planned a crunchy home birth last pregnancy has turned extra crunchy by introducing a vegan diet while preganant with #2 because…west coast. Sometimes I do look in the mirror and think, “New phone, who dis?” Because I was a fast food junky in my first pregnancy. 

Let me share how my first pregnancy went:

• A little bit of nausea around 2pm each day in the first trimester, used empty file folders to evaporate my upper lip sweat.
• Hired a midwife as my primary care provider who really focused on my weight gain of epic proportions.
• Tested on the cusp for gestational diabetes, treated as though tested positive. 
• Assigned a dietician who told me to eat Splenda and chemical laden foods with no fat for my entire 2nd and 3rd trimester. Tested my blood 5 times a day, kept a food journal. Did not oblige on the no fat foods. still wouldn’t.
• Swollen cankles up to my knees, entire body pregnant. Shocking enough to have complete strangers approach me and say, “Are you sure you want to eat that? Do you want a fat baby?” Classy people.
• 11 days overdue, 40 hours of back labour, emergency c-section for failure to progress. Good lady times.

Here’s how my second pregnancy has gone:

• Terrible nausea all the live long day in the first trimester. No amount of fanning upper lip sweat helped. Constantly sweating. Dove made a damn fortune off me.
• Hired a maternity doctor. Never once has told me my weight upon my request, and doesn’t care. Beautiful. Self esteem for the win.
• Tested negative for gestational diabetes. Praise Allah.
• Craving dark leafy greens, disgusted by processed foods. Tested low for iron counts. Taking supplement. 
• Feet began swelling in the third trimester. Very sore joints. I’d turned into a waddling Macy’s Day Parade balloon. 
• Switched to eating vegan at 30 weeks after watching a terrifying documentary that showed my entire family history for cause of death. Knowledge man, it’ll get ya.
• Feet fairly normal sized now, even in the heat of summer, normal feeling joints, and more energy. Lost weight even though measuring 2 weeks ahead of my due date. Ask me where I get my protein bro. #veganwinning
• Planned c-section for 38 weeks. Because, screw that. I’m good man. #bigheads #vikings 

I’d have to admit that the second pregnancy has been different, even though both of my children were Christmas spirits (“OMG Mom! You are so embarrassing!” They will say in Highschool).

Different cravings, different distribution, different choices, different conditions. Some worse, others better. Quite the journeys. All resulting in a tiny human who will grow, make so much mess, and tell you to say ‘please’ when you ask him to pick up your Oreo cookie (because they’re vegan, and I’m no saint) off the floor while you orbit the sun one more time…

Do you think Santa is vegan?

Sincerely yours,

Fumbling Mom (x2)

Helicopter or Bust?

So I’m sitting here watching my kiddo figure out how a number puzzle of orange 1,2,3-shaped plastic fits into the 1,2,3-shaped holes…

So I’m sitting here watching my kiddo push around a wooden toy truck under foot in the kitchen, as he makes vroom noises with his mouth…

So I’m sitting here watching my kiddo navigate an iPad and/or iPhone better than I can, watching the Point Pleasant Police Department sketch on Jimmy Fallon for the millionth time…

So I’m standing here watching my kiddo run around a football field with his family and friends at the annual Mudbowl game on New Years Day. Laughing, then crying because he fell, then laughing as he scrapes himself off the frozen ground and continues to chase chaos as a player of the game in amongst the adults…

So I’m sitting here enjoying a coffee and watching my kiddo run around the McDonald’s Play Place before swimming lessons, babbling to other children, lightly tapping an arm or a chest to instigate a game of tag, returning to the table only to have a bite of a Chicken McNugget before he scampers away again to explore…

And through all these activities, I’m also staring at the 2 stitches he recently acquired when he decided to battle a bed frame over Christmas at the mountain, and lost…

…shooting down an icy mountain slide in a tube unrestrained in my lap with no helmet, no problem… Bed frame? Game over.

Which one of these events made you gasp internally (externally?) as a parent? 

Playing with plastic? Playing underfoot in the kitchen? Eating McDonalds? Playing independently in a play centre? Watching videos on an iPad? Playing football with adults in the cold? Winter sports without a helmet? The bed frame incident and the stitches that followed? 

All of the above?

Me too.

I argue with myself every day making choices as a parent. 

Choosing my battles with a high energy toddler who tantrums often. 

Choosing to save my energy. 

Choosing survival and happiness over perfection.

I’ve learned over the couple years this small person has been in existence that I’m not part of the helicopter parent group, nor do I feel it necessary to judge the parents who are. Sure, they cramp my style sometimes at the playground with their hairy eyeballs, but that’s just a day here and there. No big.

Through trial and error, I’ve decided my role in my kid’s life is to be the chick with the landing lights at the airport…maybe sometimes the broad at the control tower when stuff gets real. My little dude, however, needs to pilot his own helicopter.

What this means is my kid has A LOT of learning moments:

-climbing on a slippery surface in sock feet means I need extraordinary balancing skills to accomplish the mission. Still attempting success.

-trying the stairs without holding the railing is not a good idea as a top heavy child.

-pushing too hard at the playground means other kids won’t want to play with me.

-if my parents’ faces don’t look worried, then what I’m doing is okay.

The list could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Is it difficult to watch my son fall at the playground while he’s learning his body’s abilities? Totally.

Does it suck to hold him down while the doctor stitches up a fresh wound in his forehead? Oh yeah.

Is it hilarious listening to him babble to other children to ask them to play? And then explain his name is Jimmy Fallon? Uh huh.

It’s difficult, sucky, and hilarious to watch him grow into a little person.

What I’m saying is, whatever your style as a parent, you’re doing a good job. There will always be that person who judges your decisions, or questions your choices, or gossips with other parents about you. Ignore that garbage. Smart people talk about ideas and solutions, not about what your child ate for lunch.
I think it’s important to support each other as parents regardless of differing choices. Parent Wars are so 2012…and also so ridiculous. Choose community.

You can do this parent thing, I believe in you.

Excuse me a moment, my child is asking if he can make a phone call to Jimmy Fallon…again.

Yours truly,

Fumbling Mom